The letter for today kids is “R”. “R” is for relationships. Bearing that this whole ride of a thing
called life has its entire foundation born out of relationship, I think that
maybe, just maybe, relationship(s) is(are) important. It may sound like I’m stating the obvious,
but increasingly in this modern world where our transmitting utilities of
technology serve as stand-ins and understudies for direct communication with
one another, it can be very easy to get jaded, familiar, or lose sight of the
absolute love we have for one another.
Modernity has taught us that the entire world is at the tip
of our fingers. Communication happens
instantly, and the expectation of response from the other should occur almost
as instantly. Really, if we break it down
we have always had the entire world at our fingers and communication has always
happened instantly, but in the modern world our perception of what this means
has changed. In the expectation of
response, we have been trained that simply by pushing a button, making a short walk
to the store or punching in some numbers on a computer keyboard, we can have
exactly what we want in only a minute or two.
In this context, it’s not too hard to see why faith, hope, trust and
intuition have taken a back seat as legitimate modes of operation. In some situations, these very things which
have been treasured throughout the ages, are now deemed foolish. I’m not here to talk bad about technology or
modern society. Technology is a
wonderful tool that can be used for many wonderful enterprises. Society too, in and of itself, is a glorious
structure of human ingenuity. My point
is simply, whether it be in the name of societal rules or technology, neither
can be used as a substitute for the real thing, which are relationships with
real people. (The true building of
society is founded upon the principles of the Kingdom of God, which is
family...but that’s another, separate, lengthy discussion.)
Within the scope of relationships there are a variety: Romantic, friendly, familial, business, etc,
etc. I think that we can all agree that
any legitimate fruit or progress in any one of these “sections” only comes from
the relationship forged in that area.
For example if out of left field, I just query George Lucas about my idea
for a glory based science fiction movie series, he may love the idea, but since
he doesn’t know much about me, he doesn’t have anything to base the quality of
my supposed work upon, much less my integrity.
Even more important than that, on my end, in such an interaction I have
failed to engage him as a real person with thoughts and feelings and I
have come to him because of his name in
an attempt for him to use his influence to support my vision. Point being, I have not considered who he IS
in this interaction, I have only considered what he HAS and WHAT HE CAN DO FOR
ME. Thus I have relegated him only to
his past performance and the weight that I think his name would carry to
benefit my own desires. In this case,
whether or not Mr. Lucas accepts my proposal and my films make tons of $, my
own benefit was my only concern, and thus no real relationship has been
formed. I have fit a person into my idea
of who I think they are and what I think they can do for me and have proceeded
in a course of action with that as my foundation.
Unfortunately, the world system has attempted to disciple us
into engaging “relationships” the same way.
For those of you who are in the college or university system now or have
been in the last ten years, you are more than aware of the shift that has
occurred, moving from enjoying your course of study, and instead the increased
emphasis being placed upon “networking.”
Once again, there’s nothing wrong with “knowing” a bunch of people and
having a large list of contacts. In
fact, about half of the people I’m “friends” with on various social-networking
sites I have never actually met in person.
Having a wide range of people to contact and engage is not necessarily a
bad thing! The point is the manner in
which we are increasingly being bombarded with to engage, which is to say, “I
need to network and get your information because maybe you can do something for
me, or you have something I want.”
Herein lies the problem. Don’t
worry, it’s easily remedied. Seeing
through the eyes of love nips this thing in the bud pronto.
In
my ministerial capacity, and given the course of my life over the past year,
I’m feeling lead to muse upon and encourage those of you who are “looking for
love” in the romantic sense. For those
of you who may be reading who don’t know me that well, or how my wife and I
came to get married, I will just tell you this:
My wife and I never dated, we didn’t have a long engagement period, we’d
only met each other a year earlier, and by met, I mean we talked to each other
for like two and half minutes once in passing and neither of us had “real”
jobs. And now here we are, married and
indescribably happy, yet we did none of the traditional stuff that society says
we needed to do. What is the common
denominator? Well, we both put it all on
God and told him if either one of us was to get married, then he was going to
have to work out the details. Let me
tell you, once I finally made this confession to the Lord, I felt absolutely
liberated. For the first time in my
life, I was actually able to consistently view women as the beautiful creations
they are rather than, the voice that normally would rise up in my head and
whisper, “You could date that one. No,
don’t date that one, but she would be fun for a one night stand. Her, that other one, she’s marriage
material.” I was no longer bound by
trying to find a definition or a context by which to frame any woman I met.
Trust
me guys, I’ve been there. You’re at
Church or a meeting, or a house gathering, or a conference, and you finally
meet that rare jewel who is physically attractive in a way that you like, she’s
sociable and radiant, and even better she’s a Christian and shares your same
beliefs! Oh man! This must be my future wife!...And all of
this runs through your head within five minutes of meeting her. I’m not saying that God can’t arrange a
meeting like this. Stranger things have
happened. What I’m addressing is that,
more often than not, guys, this train of thought is your own head and ego
trying to flex its muscles and get you rattled.
But
I have this burning desire to get married...to be intimately known by another
person in a way that no one can know me.
Yes, you do. The entire story of
the Gospel is framed around the metaphor and image of a marriage. A bride and groom coming together at the
fullness of time. Let me reiterate...THE
FULLNESS OF TIME.
The
mystery of the Gospel is that God was always desiring and dreaming of
redemption for mankind. In this sense,
let’s look at mankind as the bride.
Let’s consider God as humanity’s original blueprint, identity and point of
origin, as a groom. God, throughout the
course of history has been constantly demonstrating to mankind, the groom
demonstrating to the bride, that union, that perfect innocence and vulnerability
is what she/humanity has been seeking.
But instead mankind has been listening to other “lovers”, heeding those
voices and thus acting accordingly. The
book of Hosea offers a great picture of God’s relationship to man. As God asks Hosea to marry a prostitute and
let her continue to proceed in her line of work all the while remaining married
and devoted to her. In Song of Solomon,
the bride, in search of her beloved, goes and seeks him out in city where she
is broken by the law and talked down to by others offering their version of
momentary “love”. She then encourages
us, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does
of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until
it pleases.” The Bride here speaks in
retrospect with fondness and warning, that there is a fullness of time that
ripens and blossoms into right relationship.
The offer of marriage and the offer of complete innocence in the arms of
the beloved has always been there. But
it is mankind/the bride’s choice to receive the embrace or not.
Surely, the groom/God could
strong arm his way in, hold the bride down and force her into submission. But that is not His heart. This would be representative only of
domination, the action of an insecure and manipulative man who has not and thus
is afraid his promise will be taken away from him. The true groom/God, awaits the awakening of
His beloved, and thus, the beloved, fully awakened in the fullness of time,
willingly submits herself to the love that has always been there.
But I want to get
married!!!! Of course you do, it is a
longing and desire that God has placed within you that mirrors his love for
mankind to be fully awakened to their union with Him. But how does the father roll? He doesn’t force the issue because He is so
confident in who He is and who His beloved is that He knows she will awaken to
love when the time is right. A marriage
covenant with your spouse will continually shift your paradigm to align you
more and more with how the God views humanity and their relationship one to
another. But it isn’t until you let go
of your own understanding in this area of your life and give the Holy Spirit
license to work on your behalf that you will see the fruit of your desires and
longing. If you want and desire a
spouse, God already knows about it. Rely
solely on Him and understand that it is only him that can satisfy your
longings. Any covenant or relationship
entered into from the perspective that this person can “help me fix my problems
or can give me what I truly desire” is one that pulls that person’s identity
outside of the jurisdiction of the kingdom and makes them an object for your
use.
Guess what?
That person is not going to be able to bear the weight, they are not
going to be able to “fix” whatever you think is wrong with you and they are not
going to be able to fill the void and longing you feel in your heart. Only the God can do that. It is unfair to the other person and to
yourself to place such an expectation upon a relationship. If the relationship you seek or you are in is
not based upon a mutual enjoyment of one another, then you probably need to
reconsider your position.
Seriously. My dad gave me the
best piece of advice regarding this subject once, he said, “If you have to work
that hard, then it probably ain’t workin’”.
It’s hard though. I know.
You talk to God about what you want in a mate. You think you’re ready. Then you begin looking everywhere you
go. Oh!
Is she the one? Oh! I know, he’s the one! And maybe you start to proceed in that
manner, getting stuck in perceiving every member of the opposite sex you find
attractive and that meets your list of criteria, and lumping them into the
probable future-husband or future-wife category. I’ve been there. This mental process will destroy your
relationships with people and wrack your heart with pain and confusion. Why?
Because you have failed to see the object of your desired affection as a
true child of God. Instead they have
become an object or something to fill in that empty place in your heart. Once again, no person can fill that except
for God himself! God has someone so
completely perfect for you that it will absolutely demolish any list of
criteria you may have made.
So guys...slow your roll. Know who you are, and take an example from
your Father. How does God handle the
situation with His beloved? He waits. He empowers her and speaks to her true
identity. He’s not pushy. He doesn’t demand anything. He gives her enough space to allow her the
freedom to choose and realize her love for Him.
So now you see that girl you think God has picked out for you? Then give it some space to breathe and
develop, and when the time is right, you and her will both absolutely know. Do yourself a favour guys, empower her by
giving her the time and the space to choose you. If it’s going to happen, you are not going to
have to convince her of anything, it will just happen! A
woman in her truest sense is not interested in a man who is constantly trying
to prove that he is good enough for her.
The true man knows that he already is good enough. Wives are not babysitters, and although a
woman’s nurturing instincts will kick in from time to time, if she is only
there to give you a sense of validation, then how possibly are you going to
empower her in her dreams and vision?
Guys, if you can’t rule over yourself and be responsible in that area in
your life, why would you think that you are ready to lead and rule over a
household?
And ladies , be patient. Eventually boys wake up and become men. You have to give the boy space to figure out who he is and what he wants. Honor your heart by not entertaining all of
the flattering voices that may be thrown your way. As my wife always says, and it’s great advice
(she’s much smarter than me), “honor and guard the heart of your spouse in your
actions before you meet him.” In this
posture you will not sow emotions in to potential relationships only to be let
down. Sometimes the consequences of this
run much deeper than you may initially realize.
A heart that is in constant recovery is more easily swayed into hireling
relationships that really aren’t worth your time. You want a man not a boy. You want the shepherd of the flock, not the
hired hand. You want to be loved, not
simply the to be the object of someone’s love.
There’s a big difference.
All in all, relationships are
not as complicated as we have been led to believe! They are simple. See through the Father’s eyes and all is joy
and every relationship is brought into right ripeness at the fullness of time,
whether it be a lasting brotherhood, sisterhood, friendship, community
enterprise, marriage or starting a family.
You are loved endlessly and do not have to have a thing figured out on
your own!
I love you,
Matt
this is GREAT and so intelligent and encouraging!
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